Annie Hall Stole My Daughter’s Virginity

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST DIANE KEATON. However, I am guilty of giving my daughter full late-night DVD viewing rights which include Annie Hall on a tireless loop. Estimated hours played: 130

At sixteen she wants a foreign exchange student to increase her knowledge of French. “S’il vous plait, maman.” S’il vous plait!” Her father says no at his house. No room.

Late on Sunday, Kristi, Max and me are in the living room while Hailey looks up homestay programs on her laptop. The Brady Bunch is on in the background. Max eats Pringles two at a time. Kristi says, “I think it’d be kinda fun. We could fix up the sunroom.” I worry they might say no because we are two women. Hailey says, “I put in the application.”

“That fast?” I say.

“I asked for a girl,” says Hailey. “A boy if they’re out of girls.”

“Out of girls?” Max says.

“If they’re all taken up.” Hailey says.

“I think it’ll be fun,” Kristi says again with red-stained teeth.

Estimated glass of wine between us: 12

Hailey wants to know what lobster tastes like and where she can find a white button up shirt with a vest. Do you want to watch Annie Hall with me? is the most common question in the week before we receive our exchange students’ portfolio. Out of girls in France is Max’s daily joke after we look over pictures of a sixteen year old boy who will arrive on April 2nd and occupy the remade sunroom.

“Three weeks, but papa wants to meet him too.”

“Papa didn’t even say yes,” I say, trying on a French accent.

“There was no room. We had an extra.” Hailey says.

“We made an extra. What’s the French word for pathetic?”

“Vous êtes si méchant!”

“Is that thank you?”

Estimated number of French phrases not understood: 312

The night before we pick up Theo from a Denny’s parking lot, the glow from Hailey’s television brings me to her doorway. She’s looking through French flash cards and around her room are yellow sticky notes on the closet, window, dresser, T.V.

“You should mix those up,” I say. “Then he’ll really think you need help.”

“That’s dumb, maman.”

“Two years of French and all I remember is yes.” I say.

“How can you do something for two years and not remember?” Hailey asks.

“Oh, believe me, it’s possible. Hey, time to turn Annie off and get to bed.”

“I’m in bed.” She points to the Post-it on her frame.”

“You know what I mean.”

Estimated amount of Post-it’s used: 27

Theo likes to shop and do the moonwalk. Max enjoys his company, he says it’s like having a nice older sibling. Hailey curses him in French. Theo corrects her.

Later, Hailey says, “Kristi talks to Theo more than you, maman. She’s better at socializing. You don’t even ask him any questions.”

“I don’t speak the language.”

“Neither does Kristi.”

“But she’s a nurse. So it’s easier. Just go watch Annie Hall. Show Theo Annie Hall.

In the morning Theo is sitting on the couch in his house slippers.

“Do you like Woody Allen?” I ask.

“Uh, Qui est-il? I say, who is he? Acteur?”

“And a writer. Hailey watches Annie Hall every day. Have you seen it?”

“Non. She will show me.”

He sounds certain.

They stay up most nights watching movies with French subtitles on. Theo wants to hear the English so he can sharpen up. They both want to learn from the other. Haileys’ friends giggle over Theo. Ashley says he’s smart. Andrea thinks he’s cute.

After a Friday night jazz concert at 11p.m. Hailey tells me she likes Theo. “Kind of. Do you think he’s cute?”

“Non,” I say.

Estimated eye rolls: 19

Two days before Theo is to go back to France, Hailey walks a mile and a half to the hospital. I’m at my desk on the second floor nurses station. She waves me to the hall.

“What’s the matter?” She never comes to my work.

“I just wanted to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“We did it last night.”

“Did what?”

“You know.”

“In the sunroom? Did you use a condom?”

“Of course.”

“Was it French?”

“What?”

“The condom,” I whisper. A doctor walks by.

“I don’t know, maman!”

“Well, where’s the wrapper? God. Where’s the condom?”

“He took care of it.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he did. Why’d you come up here to tell me this?”

“I just needed to be alone. I left Theo at home.”

“Did you like it?”

“It was okay. I just wanted to get it over with.”

“Sex?”

“The first time. Out of the way. I kinda feel like Annie Hall in the movie, you know?”

“I don’t remember the whole movie.”

“She’s just like, ‘Let’s just do it, alright?’ So that was basically how it was.”

I tell her I’ll talk to her when I get off. Just two days and I won’t need to worry about him. I decide not to tell Kristi and without knowing she tells them to stay up late, enjoy their last couple days.

 Estimated milligrams of Ambien needed for sleep: 10

The next day Hailey comes to my room. “It was French.”

“What?”

“The condom.”

“You did it again? Why?”

“I don’t know. Nous avons juste fait.”

“Fate? This isn’t fate. It was arranged. The freaking condoms are from France. He planned it. Fate isn’t determined by a movie you watch over and over. There is no fate.”

“It’s not fate.”

“At least you know that.”

“Non, maman, you’re talking about destinée.”

“You’re damn right. And it’s not yours.”

Hailey sighs.

There will be more exchanges like these. Hundreds. Thousands. There’ll be Southern Oregon after high school. A determination to finish a French degree. She’ll visit the first summer after freshman year and discover I’ve taken her room for my office and when I make up her bed in the sunroom—she’ll protest.

“The sex room?”

“Sunroom. How do you say sunroom in French?”

“Maybe, veranda?”

“You don’t sound sure.” I smile.

“Salle de sexe, that’s sex room I think,” she says.

“Oui, ma fille,” I say with perfect pronunciation.

“You learned daughter? Wow. The universe is expanding.”

Estimated movie references I will not pick up on: infini